EPISODE 88: On Divorce

Date: 9/15/2021

Questions

1. We received some questions on the topic of divorce, which we’ll answer as we go through this episode.
2. For this episode, we’ll be using the EPC’s position paper on Divorce and Remarriage — available at epc.org (resources tab)
   1. We’re going to use it but discuss it in three big sections: 1) Bible/Theology, 2) Practical Application, 3) Pastoral thoughts

3. Bible/Theology
   1. Definition of marriage: Marriage is a solemn covenant between a man and a woman, entered into before God, whereby he (God) joins them in a life-long companionship of love for and commitment to each other.
   2. Book of Worship (5-4): It is the divine intention that persons entering the marriage covenant become inseparably united, thus allowing for no dissolution save that caused by the death of either husband or wife. 
   3. Even though God intends for the marriage covenant to never be broken, that doesn’t mean the covenant is unbreakable. Death does break the covenant.
   4. Some key passages on marriage and divorce:
      1. Genesis 2:18-24 ESV – Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 19 Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
      2. Ephesians 5:22-33 ESV – Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
      3. Malachi 2:14-16 NLT – You cry out, “Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows. 15 Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. 16 “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”
      4. ESV – But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. 15 Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. 16 “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”
         1. Difficult Hebrew passage to interpret. The “I hate divorce” interpretation is based on the KJV tradition. It’s such a familiar wording that modern translators have a difficult time not keeping the well-known interpretation even if it’s not the best translation (see ESV footnote for more info).
      5. There are OT passages where divorce is tolerated — though divorce wasn’t divinely approved (see Deuteronomy 24:1-4).
      6. OT passages that assume the practice of divorce (Leviticus 21:7, 14; 22:13; Numbers 30:9; Deuteronomy 22:19, 29).
      7. OT examples of divorce being required of the people of God who had married foreign wives (Ezra 9-11; Nehemiah 9:2).
      8. Matthew 5:31-32 ESV – Jesus speaking ““It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
      9. Matthew 19:3-9 ESV – And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
      10. 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 ESV – To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. 12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
          1. Now we have a second permissible reason for divorce. An unbelieving spouse refuses to stay married. The believer doesn’t seek the divorce; the unbeliever does.

4. Practical application
   1. What is sexual immorality? Sexual immorality (Gk porneia) means fornication. Fornication means two people acting as if they’re married when they’re not. And I think the opposite is also true, two people who are married acting as if they’re not.
      1. I think the Greek word makes it obvious that the definition includes pornography, but we’re talking about anything that destroys the relational intimacy between a husband and wife. In fact, the English translation of “sexual immorality” is us using two words to describe what the one Greek word (porneia) means. And I think we get too caught up in “sexual” when overall it’s an all inclusive word of how a husband and wife are to treat one another.
      2. So this is where things like non-sexual forms of abuse would come into play. We received two questions along these lines. Question #1 — “Divorce is permissible in cases of adultery, but what about cases of abuse (either to the spouse or to the children)?  What should be done in cases like this?” Question #2 — “Some have defined the sexual immorality exception for divorce in terms other than just sexual sin, such as abandonment and abuse.  The  words “sexual immorality” seem to suggest a breach in intimacy, so can there be other types of the breach of intimacy that this exception would mean, other than just physical sexual sins without allowing for any reason to be a reason for divorce.”
         1. To both I’d say that divorce, according to Jesus, is permissible, but again, permissible doesn’t mean necessary. If the abusing spouse is unrepentant — for the sake of the abused — separation is the option to be chosen. Maybe divorce doesn’t happen right away. Maybe we leave some space for repentance. But, yes, the safety of the abused must always be a priority.
         2. I would caution, as this is a common misunderstanding, of interpreting “sexual immorality” as “adultery.” In the Matthew passages above, Jesus uses two different words. One specific word for sexual immorality and a completely different word for adultery. The two, though similar and having some overlap, are not identical words.
         3. EPC paper — Only in cases of extreme unfaithfulness (physical or spiritual)— unfaithfulness for which there is no repentance and which is beyond remedy — should separation or divorce be considered.
            1. Ongoing physical abuse.
            2. Attempted murder.
            3. Etc…are examples of violations of the one-flesh marriage covenant principle.
      3. I want to say this again, sexual immorality doesn’t have to necessitate divorce — though it makes divorce permissible. There must always be room for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation in all situations.
   2. Sessions (church elders) should exhort couples considering such a step to actively pursue reconciliation. Divorce, under any circumstance, should not prevent continued attempts to reconcile. 
   3. The Church—in keeping with the redemptive gospel of Christ—may sanction the remarriage of divorced persons when sufficient penitence for sin and failure is evident, and a firm purpose of and endeavor after Christian marriage is manifested.
      1. This relates to a question sent in: What about those of us remarried? My husband was never married before but I was. I have always struggled with the sin of divorce and tried to justify it with the fact that he and I have now been married 25 years. I can’t help but feel that I am just trying to make God fit my need to feel better. I feel bad enough that I have sinned and can’t really repent for that sin, but feel even worse that I have caused my husband to sin. I never really thought of this, but in essence, our love caused sin. How can that be made right with God?
         1. If this is your situation — you were married, got divorced, and there wasn’t a biblical reason for your divorce, and are now remarried — are you destined to live in sin for the rest of your life? No! The question that matters is “have you repented of your unbiblical divorce?” Once we’ve repented, we’ve been forgiven and are not to carry around guilt and shame any longer. To those in this situation, the question is whether you’ve repented of your sin to God. If you have, just like all other sins we repent of, you are forgiven. So rejoice!
         2. A word of caution though — and this is for those who are married and thinking about divorce and know there are not biblical grounds for it. As Paul says in Romans, “Are we to sin more so that grace increases?” His answer is “No!” So don’t abuse God’s forgiveness with a “I’ll sin now and ask forgiveness later.” 
   4. Back to the EPC paper — When one of the spouses, in a former marriage, remarries, the former marriage relationship has been permanently broken, thus the other spouse is free to remarry.
      1. This relates to a question you sent in: I got divorced for bad reasons. But my spouse has since remarried. What is my obligation at this point?
         1. To repent because you’re admitting to getting a divorce for bad reasons — which I assume means “unbiblical reasons.”
         2. That’s your only obligation.
   5. EPC paper — However, divorced persons should give prayerful thought to discover if God’s vocation for them is to remain unmarried.
   6. Divorce is not the unforgivable sin. It’s also not a permanent disqualification from serving in leadership roles in the church. But we must also remember that serving in church leadership is a privilege, not a right.

A few other questions you sent in. We’ll treat these like lightning round questions.

I’m a single woman who has never been married, but would like to be. The majority of Christian men I meet who are looking for a relationship are divorced. Up to this point, I have not considered dating anyone who is divorced because of Jesus’s teachings on the topic. Some people see me as narrow-minded or judgmental for taking this position. Considering Jesus’s teaching about divorce and remarriage, what do you see as the application for those of us who have never been married but desire marriage? Are there circumstances in which we should be open to a relationship with someone who is divorced? Is it wrong for me not to consider divorced men as a possibility for dating?

1. Are there circumstances you should be open to? Yes! If there were biblical grounds for their divorce.
2. Is it wrong to not consider dating a divorced man? Really depends on your motives. If you’re going with what Jesus has said, he’s given a reason why someone may be divorced and it not be due to a specific sin on their part. I’d just caution you about whether your position is held as some sort of judgment over those who are divorced. Many faithful, loving, godly men and women are divorced because of a choice of their previous spouse. 

I got divorced a few years ago…probably not “justified”….but I want to get married again…would you do my wedding?

1. Have you repented?
2. Are you and your potential spouse both Christians and actively involved in a local church, growing in your faith, etc…?
3. There are many factors that go into a “will we or won’t we” perform a wedding. It’s not as simple as “here’s my past — I got a divorce. Will you do my wedding?”

I am not divorced, but my spouse left…divorce might take a long time. When can I start dating?

1. At least wait until your divorce is finalized. 
2. And wisdom would suggest that the timing of things, like dating, should be based on more than just your marriage officially coming to an end. Have you gone to counseling to work through the mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical heartaches due to your marriage coming to an end? Have you grieved? Are your reasons for wanting to begin dating again godly and God glorifying? And so on.

I got divorced. My ex and I are still unmarried. We did not have Biblical grounds for divorce. Do we have to only date each other?

1. Nope. You don’t even have to date anyone! 
2. Again, with this scenario, we’re not even told if both people are Christians or not. Do they live in the same area or are they living geographically far from one another (making an actual relationship unrealistic), etc…
3. Why isn’t celibacy and singlehood a potential option? Have you even asked God about whether or not he’s calling you to singleness?

I am not married. Been with the same person for a long time. We have kids. But I became a Christian, they are not. Do I have to marry them?

1. No. But it sounds like you’ve already been acting like you’re married (assuming you’re living together, having kids, sex, etc…). This would need to come to an end, which means, in essence, you’ll have a “we’re divorced” kind of relationship.
2. All that to say, the solution shouldn’t be “We’ll live as if we’re married, but not have a document from the state making it legit.” 

Someone in my life is getting a divorce (parents, kids, friends) and it is totally not justified. What is my responsibility/obligation?

1. Not knowing the situation of the people getting a divorce or not (are they Christians?), the only obligation I can suggest is to love them knowing that loving them will be messy. Too many unknowns in this question to be more specific in the answer.

Pastoral thoughts

1. Please seek godly counsel before you get married. We offer premarital counseling here at Gateway that I’d encourage all who are wanting to marry to sign up for.
2. Please seek godly counsel before you break your marriage vows. Those who often are the most strong-willed in being against marital counseling are those who need it the most.
3. Don’t justify your sin by changing your view of God, your theology, or what you believe.
4. EPC paper — As with all other transgressions, the blood of Christ covers these as well, and members may be restored to fellowship when guilt is acknowledged and true repentance for sin is expressed. 
5. Few experiences in life are more agonizing than the dissolution of a marriage. 
6. Finally, in light of Scripture’s clear teaching on the sanctity of marriage and God’s strong opposition to and restrictions on divorce, surely Christians cannot condone the easy accessibility to divorce in our contemporary society. 

Final Thought: Josh 

• If you’re thinking about marriage, sign up for premarital counseling. 
• If you’re married, consider marital counseling. 
• If you’re considering divorce, press the pause button. Talk to a pastor or your shepherding elder. Before we’re quick to end a marriage, like our culture, let’s consider God’s Word and submit ourselves to his authority in our marriages.
• Let’s all be gracious with and to one another. Never forget that few experiences in life are more agonizing than divorce. The church should be a community where healing — not more guilt and shame — but healing is experienced.